#41: Back to Zero

“Can’t find another way around, and I don’t wanna hear the sound of LOSING WHAT I NEVER FOUND.”

*Down by Jason Walker*

It’s so easy to get into something—friendship, commitments, promises. The problem with people is we just never seem to realize that we’ll arrive to the point where we want to get out. But alas, we can’t find the way out. If only the easy way in was the easy way out, right?

Dear Fate, can I undo everything I’ve done wrong and go back to zero and correct them?

Once again, life is a one way road. What’s left behind stays behind; and the only chance to correct it is to make today the best. Still, I have these wishes. They’re free, anyway.

God, how I wish I can write lines like “go to the ends of the Earth for you to make you feel my love” or “nothing compares, no worries or cares, regrets and mistakes they’re memories made/ who would’ve known how bittersweet this would taste”. When I’m sad, I sulk to Adele’s 19 or 21.

I’m a writer pure at heart—even if I don’t seem to impress a lot of people with what I write. It’s just… I’m painfully self-righteous all the time. I also tend to be too direct to the point/topic and I forgot I also need to be descriptive or humour my reader.

Still, I’d love to be like Adele who can write her feelings down into songs. I’m pretty tired of the constant lengthy essays in my diary. It’s time I get to the next level. Lol

Feeling skeptical? Well, I’m seventeen and I can’t even ride a bicycle for a few meters, much less move a few inches. I used to ride it when I was in grade three, but that’s only because my neighbour has one.

It was only last year that I realized I wanted to learn again. I miss the feel of the air on my face, the sound of it buzzing in my ears. I miss the times when my heart would race every time I need to turn a corner because, I suck at balancing. Lastly, I just miss being a kid.

Yes, I’m shouting to the whole wide world that I like this girl you so blatantly hate-talk in front of me, saying Julia Montes is waaaayyyyyy much better than she is.

Let me tell you this. I know any person has all the right in this world to hate-talk all s/he wants, but I appeal that you try to get to know her first. Have you ever felt pissed every time you realize other people are saying nasty things about you? Then, think how you’ll feel if you were in Kathryn’s position and see how it’ll seem to you.

She may be annoying when she’s talking at times, or when her bangs in Princess And I parts in half. But come on, you should learn how sophisticated she is, she has delicadesa and she’s not playing safe. To me, she’s true to the things she’s saying. And I LOVE HER. Period.

I remember when Hunger Games sky-rocketed to fame, every blog about it, there’s one person who’d say: “It’s just another piece of shit fashioned out of Twilight”.

The nerve, right?! Just because it’s a love triangle between a girl, her best friend and a guy she just met (though not technically) doesn’t mean it’s the same thing as that vampire awesomeness book narrated by a clumsy high school girl who dreams of having sex with him. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the saga a little. I just feel bad that some of its fans think that it’s the greatest thing in the world and nothing will be greater than it has been.

This is probably hundred-percent undeniably weird, but I DO LOVE LEO! Yes, the Leonardo diCaprio—Jack from Titanic, Romeo from Romeo and Juliet, Dom from Inception, et cetera. I’ve had a crush on him since forever. My obsession was the kind that even if his picture is just at the back of a magazine, advertising a watch, I’d pore over it wishing I had money at that time to buy it. Lol.

Watch out for his new movie The Great Gatsby (yes, it’s an adaptation of the classic book by… sorry, I’m not in the mood to Google it, just do it for me. Hahaha)

I have to admit, I’m not good in socializing. Usually, I wait for other people to talk to me first, and I expect them to be the one who’ll make me comfortable. Don’t think I’m being unfair, making other people do the work for me. It’s just that I learned a lot in the past not to be a feeler that’s why I’m not Miss Friendly to everybody.

Nevertheless, I wish I didn’t develop this quality. I mean, yeah, I am good at reassuring myself it’s fine and I can do it. But sometimes, I wish I am Miss Friendly so that people won’t think I’m tyrant or intimidating or even ‘unreachable’—I don’t even get why people think that.

I hate poker faces. One of the reasons maybe that made me conscious about picking the people I get along with, is the fact that some of them act so nice in front of you, but after you turn your back, they’ll start blabbing about how your hair is such a mess or how crooked your teeth was and all other craps about you.

Anyway, where’s the balance if that happens? Sometimes, the universe just wants to be noticed.

People are naturally brave because if they weren’t, they won’t be able to live in this awful world. I’ve always admired Katniss’s bravery. She is the kind of model worth looking up to. I like how lethal she is to save herself and most especially, the ones she love. God, how insanely nice it is to be as brave as the girl who was on fire. (And maybe, have a boy with the bread as a lover, too. Lol)

Wouldn’t it be so nice to make someone happy by making his/her wish come true? One of my goals in life is to make a friend happy. I don’t know yet how I’d do it or what I’d do.

Even if Cinderella’s fairy godmother’s magic was only temporary, at least she still got a shot at it. Besides, nothing’s permanent in this world. And you know, even forever has its limitations. Nevertheless, I wish I’d be a fairy godmother for once in my life to see somebody smile because of me.

I often say my second year was the most uneventful part of my whole high school life. I mean, it was when we’re all stuck in the Alcala Building. Every day, we’d go up and down the stairs for our subjects, or walk a few steps to Geometry, or cross a few meters to our Social. But I miss those times when our life weren’t as complicated as it is now: those times when all the steps of the stairs were occupied by the II-CSA doing their own stuff. I miss eating ube maruya filled with buko strips (which was ABJ3’s favourite). Lastly, I miss my best friends who were not so far away from me then. I just… I miss being just Joyce who feels contented all the time; just the Joyce who feels happy every day—not the Joyce today who feels so hollow nowadays.

Best friends are one of the foundations that keep you from falling apart. I value my friends with all my heart and soul. I even care for them like my own family. I guess it’s my way of paying back all the help they give me. Somehow this year, some of my friends started to drift away.

I wish he’d be back to that old him who blabs about DOTA or SF or anything that reminds me of the real him. I wish she’d be back to that kiddie pool best friend of mine. Even if she’s annoying at times, I found she’s real because of that quality. I miss those times when we’re happy just staying at her house, watching DVDs or series all day or walking around the subdivision, just talking until the sun sets. Can someone really change so much, it’s like you don’t know him/her AT ALL?

I got tired of covering the distance. It’s like I’m always doing my best to keep up to them and understand their interests, but as hard as I try to, I just can’t reach them. I’m only human, I get tired. Though I’m still here wishing upon a star that they still remember me…

Little did people know that sometimes, when I stare off into space, I’m imagining how my life will be had it my parents didn’t part ways. I remember vague things from when I was young when my Dad would go home with a handful of McDonald’s or Jollibee’s plastic bags field with toys and burgers and spaghetti. At night, we would sleep on the same bed, with me and my brothers between our parents. We’d sleep comfortably knowing there are two people enveloping us with love and security. It’s probably so good to have a complete family for once in a while.

I haven’t seen my Dad personally for three years now since he really has no plan to go back to the Philippinesever. But I miss him so much :(((

Being a senior is not easy, I know that. I remember one time in English class when I told Sir ROE that it’s so hard to be a fourth year because you don’t get to sleep properly, and he replied: “What do you expect, that you’ll be pampered?” (Yes sir, if you’re reading this wholly, I remember a lot of things). He has a point… though by easy I mean I hope life in fourth year will be happy and fulfilling despite all the business, and not like it was now that we can’t seem to actually breathe. I want my classmates and friends to enjoy fourth year and not take it like we’re doomed every day.

We’re not breathing through oxygen tanks—we have the freedom to breathe. So, relax and enjoy life.

Nowadays, keeping your balance is pretty hard. Trust me, I feel like I’ll fall apart all the time. My Mom would even halt me and tell me to slow down a little. Ugh. I hate it when she chastises me, but I know she’s got a point.

There are times when I would rant about this or that person because of what s/he did, and my Mom would be a little bewildered about it. Then, she’d say I should lessen my EQ (which I noticed is getting too high now).

The problem is, I always feel. And honestly, I’m getting tired of always feeling upset over something. So, I wish I’ll have a rational thinking and stop overreacting. I’ll really really really really do my best not to fall down again.

Photo from WeHeartIt.com (Corrine Estrella)

Once, in an English class in elementary, our teacher told us that the word wish is used for expressions or desires that’s unlikely to happen. Like, ‘I wish the heavens will shower money now’ or ‘I wish Logan Lerman will kiss me right now’.

Now, I believe that the word wish may also be used in expressing hopes that’s really likely to happen yet, fate is impeding it. Wish expresses a desire in human’s heart which if it doesn’t happen immediately, s/he keeps it in that little chamber until finally, it happens.

Star light,
star bright,
won’t you be mine tonight?

Wish upon a star,

Jashrawr.

P. S.

As seen in http://jashrawr.weebly.com/blogs.html :)

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About Jashrawr

Jolog, adorkable, defying gravity ♥
This entry was posted in Life, Pieces of Me, Pop Thought, Weebly. Bookmark the permalink.

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