In so many ways, I could tell you how hard it is to walk along the paths bowing your head down because you can’t look at the person who is tearing your heart to pieces every time you pass him by.

And I’m not talking about a boy friend here, silly. I’m talking about a boy best friend– and a girl best friend, too.


Since the beginning of the school year, I think I’ve never had a week without having to have a fight with one of them. For this week, I’m mad at her. Next week, I’m mad at him and so on and so forth, it’s like the ice is a never-ending glacier.

How do you say to the people you love the most, that you’re hurting because of them without hurting them as well? How do you deal with the bullshits you’re likely to get if you went too overboard? How do you fix the messed-up things you messed up yourself?

There’s this saying…


But tell me, will you still stay there when the whole world is caving in on you? Will you still stay if you know you’re not enjoying anymore? Will you still stay if you know that in that seesaw, the other person on the other side has already decided to leave you?

Let me tell you a story. There’s this girl who got bullied by her own best friend in preparatory for a stupid lame reason that she (the girl) is stealing away her (the best friend) crush– which happens to be a very close family friend of the girl. Her best friend turned the whole class against her, and there was no space left to cry but the corner of the library; and no shoulder to lean on except for a wall.

In elementary, she was betrayed by a new best friend she thought she’ll have forever. What made that even worse is, during the time that they’re in the middle of the raging fire, her [best]friend spread lies and the secrets she has shared with her.

That girl is ME. That girl who gives the whole of her trust to those who she thought would never leave her. That girl who thought they will never change.

Do you really remember how you met your best friend? Because I don’t. I only remember how they left me, and how it’s awful that they never seem to care if they bumped me in the middle of a road. How it’s awful that despite the fact that up to the last moment, you made your effort to save it, but in return, they played ignorant.


Where have the times gone? Why does it seem that I can’t even say those (text in the picture above) things anymore?

For three years, I had two people I could lean on. For three years, I had two people who understands me more than anyone else.

For three years, I had a best friend who was so shallow and non-caring who’s kinda annoying, but still makes me realize some of the important things I’m missing on. For three years, I had a best friend who’s just that guy who likes playing guitar over that corner, or sometimes talking about online games, or sometimes talking about life with me.

Then, in a blink of an eye, I am but a little girl lost in an abyss, wondering why when I pass her by, she won’t even take a second glance to see if I was really the person she used to hang out with. Do I seem like a call girl to her that she’d only call me when by chance I’d passed by right in front of her? When she’s just sitting at that stupid pink building talking with her friends– she called out my name and pretend like these past few days she’s not ignoring me? Will she just remember I’m her “best friend” when there’s no one to do some of her school works for her?

Or maybe she got tired of me because I’m always asking for her help. (Let me tell you yet another thing: There are times when I had to lend money from my friends simply because there’s not a dime left at home. I don’t have a rich life. I often suck at being a person. I am an occasional scavenger.)

When I’ve explained ALL of the reasons why I became a little cold towards him, he’ll ask me once again “why?”, and it would just be another explanation formulating a panic riot in my almost psychotic mind. Why is he not even making the slightest effort to defy what I’ve written in that letter? Is it really so hard to beat the odds?

Or maybe he got tired of my constant retorts about this or that thing? Then, he decided to not care anymore if I’m still feeling bad towards him because there are lot of better people around him than me.

Sorry, but if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I wrote this because this is how I feel. Correct me if I’m wrong. I am also a damned person, I DO FEEL and I’m not always forgiving.

Don’t you just hate it knowing that the person you thought would never leave you decided to leave you because they can’t understand you anymore? But isn’t that the real deal in friendship, understanding all the craps the other has to offer?

I have learned that maybe complaining about how you’re being treated is not the best option. Sometimes, it just creates chaos and misunderstandings. All the craps will spring out of it. And there it goes, you’ll just fall down, helpless.


“Let go of the clutters in your life.” (iamsuperbianca.com)

  • Let go of the self-pity. Grow up.

Stop making such a huge fuss about why s/he should listen to you because you are right and they’re not– or vice versa. Rationalize things within you. Stop acting that it’s the same thing over and over. Leave all your past behind. Trauma is not always a reason. Sometimes, holding on to things that are not worth holding onto makes your life even more complicated.

  • Let go of paranoia.

A friend may leave you, may exchange you for another people who are way cooler than you; but listen, life doesn’t stop for anybody– and so does you. Let go of the fear that when they leave you, you can’t go on without them. Observe. They laugh and mingle with other people without even a trace of depression about your ‘break up’. I think you (or I) deserves happiness too.

  • Let go of endless attempts to explain.

This one goes best for me. I guess this will be the last time that I’ll explain myself. I know this blog is full of hate and hard feelings, but for the last time, I just wanted to shout to the world that I feel– felt — bad. You’ve explained your side once. If s/he still doesn’t get it and act like s/he still doesn’t care, it’s time to wake up and just give it up.

  • Lastly, let go of complications.

Let go of people who mess up your head. Let go of people who keep on bugging you and letting you think that you’ll never be able to match them or live without them. Let go of the people who make you feel inferior. Just f-ing let go of the people who complicate your life. BREATHE.

“If you’re having a hard time letting go, just think that if they wanted to stay, they’d still be there.”

I’m a hundred percent sure that I am not always right. I annoy people and piss them off. I breathe sarcasm, and I don’t please you or you or you or whoever you are who’s reading this. But you know, I’m also letting go of caring– I’m letting go of caring about people who don’t give a damn about how I feel.

You make your life. You make your own destiny. The hell with opinions, the hell with friends who are not friends anymore. It’s probably sad not having to remember how you met your best friend, but you know what’s the perk of remembering how they left you?

It’s the assurance that when you do meet a new one in your life, you won’t be as stupid and as wrong as you were before. And probably, there are even people who are better and will equal the love you give them, and will never make you less of a person anymore.

Take care,


P. S.

“I take the word ‘friend’ with death seriousness.” — Jessica Zafra


About Jashrawr

Jolog, adorkable, defying gravity ♥
This entry was posted in Friends, Jash Diaries. Bookmark the permalink.

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