Before and After

Today, I am having a terrible writer’s block. As much as I try my best in writing down our script for El Fili, I just couldn’t bring myself to it even if there’s a book to help me. Honestly, I don’t even know how to start this cliché year-end blog. Best and worst of 2012?

The truth is, I am a person who believes too much in my “One Road; One Chance” philosophy. Something happens, I would enjoy it, but I can’t quite remember all of them. It’s like, my mind is only equipped with remembering those things that hurt me.

I’d like to use the format of the book I’ve recently read: Looking for Alaska by John Green. That book has two sections: Before and After. In this blog, I will use Before for the ‘worst’ part and After for the best part. So…

BEFORE

Worst part–in my own context–does not rhyme with ‘bad hair day’ or ‘ruined life’. Worst, for me are those things that made me sad, but also helped me learn a thing or two in life.

Jaiyo.

bstfrndOur friendship has been a lot complicated this year because of the certain ‘extraneous variables’ around. Though admittedly, I only half-blame them, since I also blame myself.

Only a few people knows this (and sadly, that doesn’t include Aline, who keeps telling I should be the first one to talk to him), but I have been through a lot of depression and sadness in my life because of him. And probably some of you might think I’m a selfish attention-seeking bitch, but the truth is, I can’t be a Bstfrnd of somebody who only comes to me when he needs advice, who only greets me when I greet him first. I can’t afford to have a Bstfrnd where I am the only person keeping up while he’s moving ahead with his group of friends. I can’t be a Bstfrnd to someone who only listens when I’m pouring all my tears out.

I needed a friend who will make me feel important and feel good about myself. And the main reason why I decided to drift away from him, is because I can’t feel that.

I know, I’ve shared so many of my problems with him. He was always there when I needed him. We had a conflict with his girlfriend I once disliked, but that was over. But I just couldn’t bring myself to forgiveness at this moment because I feel that when I do, I’d be this girl who tries to run to keep up with him while he does the cool things with his friends once again. I’m afraid to feel sad and left out again. And I felt the need to actually deserve something.

Jaiyo, you have no idea how much pride I’ve lost in those times that I say sorry and talk to you first even if it’s not my fault. I know, I am a very insecure girl who feels left out because you and Aline share the same friends, but tell me, (and I am not blaming you or making you feel bad or weighing down the weights on you), have you tried and sacrificed even once to make me feel good? If yes, then why can’t I feel it up until now? If not, wouldn’t you try even once?

I don’t know what happened to us… why we grew apart like this. I also don’t know how to make it right, do you?

Ert.

ertHe’s one of the Before’s because he made me cry–though it’s not his fault because it is never wrong to fall in love, and the truth is, I am happy of your choice.

The worst part is the fact that I had to feel bad during the time when I thought of something more  out of the conversations we ever had. He’s such a nice guy, and it pained me even worse to get hurt in a ‘nice’ way.

But the best part of crushing on Ert for almost two years is learning to please a guy, and yes, I did all my best to get his attention, but I was not very lucky.

Bittersweet: I always remember him when I hear this weird because liking him and ending up maimed in the end was both a  sad and happy memory I get to keep. He has made me so kilig too many times in the past; he also broke my heart. But hearts are never irreparably broken, it heals… and mine did.

Though I have to be honest with one thing… since that heartbreaking event of my life, I lost my belief in true love.

UPESG

upesgI never really had the chance to tell people how much disappointed I am for my loss during the UPESG Essay Writing Contest. I waited for it for so long, and I wanted to win it, but Fate didn’t give me that.

I was sad for some time, but I got over it. I guess the worst part is not losing, but the realization that there are things that are just not meant for you. Thus, I survived, and this only made me aim for the bull’s-eye in the few chance I’m about to get in the future.

AFTER

Haircut

shorthairI got over the Before’s of my life after I got my haircut. The truth is, my hair suffers a lot when I get stressed. It is a disorder. Sometimes, I even cut it myself when I feel weighed down.

I’ve had too many haircuts before, but this one freed me. I don’t know how, but after I got ‘the new look’, my distress about my friends and insecurity towards other people had gone. There are days when I would think about the problems and friends who drifted away. Yet, there are more days when I didn’t care.

And I am happy of what I’m starting to make for myself, for the confidence I gained, and for the ME today.

Kiefer

kieferEver since the Ert issue, I kind of become numb when it comes to boys. I don’t gush too much or smile like I’m in heaven when someone makes something I find attractive.

While it is preposterous to crush on a celebrity, I can’t help but think of how much Kiefer Ravena (the Ateneo Blue Eagles star player) has made me a shallow crushing girl once again. Because of him, I finally realized what I’m looking for in a guy, and it’s pretty much what I’ll look for when I get to college. Haha!

Coconut

coco1It’s one thing to be staffer, but to actually compete and prove my capabilities? That’s one in a million chance.

coco2Being a Coconut staffer has been my dream since first year. I figured back then that despite the fact that I really didn’t want to study in Quezon High, I might as well find a place where I can belong to.

I tried out in third year, but I was not a fan of travelogues so I didn’t get in. In fourth year, I am lucky to be chosen as a Feature Writer, and little be little, I discovered places where I am welcome.

coco3I was once an antisocial person, but my Coconut family helped me to get over that. I don’t know how it happened, but one day, I just woke up ready to get along and face all sorts of people around me. It’s quite a miracle.

Gawad Alcala

alcalaWhen I won this award, I told myself, “Good, I’ve got money.” But when I was onstage, giving my speech for winning the award, I realized that the trophy is more than the value of the check in my hand.

I wonder how do writers feel when they win awards from Nobel or Printz? Because winning Gawad Alcala felt so much like that.

ARV

arv1These people are also one of the main reasons why I stopped running after people I can’t reach. I’ve never known their importance until after I realized how supportive they can be for me.

arv2Sure, we fight. There are some people who poker-faces you when they don’t like you, but what I love about these guys and gals that some people don’t quite see is their sense of loyalty and family. That’s why, in five years or so? No one can equal the amount of love I received from them through the years that we’ve been together.

ABJ3F

abj3fThe truth is, I never thought I’ve ever have a true friend, much less true friends that will always have my back.

abj3f2Once, I was so lost in my own misery, but then, these people remained by my side. I don’t know why it took me so long before I realize who’s true and who’s not.

They know exactly when I don’t feel good, and they won’t hesitate to ask why. I don’t deserve their love, but here I am still, not wanting to leave their circle because out of all those groups I’m in, they are the innermost part of home.

abj3f3And I love them <3 With all my heart.

Le Familia

sibsI still have issues with my stepsister, but I guess, a girl that young should not catch all the bad things I feel towards my quite-irreparable family. When I get back to 2012 + my family, I go to that time during our vacation in Catanauan when my Lola Lucing was still alive. We were a huge and intact family back then, and I’d like to keep that in mind.

sibsandcousI guess, I was born in this world as an insecure girl who often feels she is not love. Yet, I have a hunch that my purpose was to get over that. After all, we accept the love we think we deserve :)

From The Fault In Our Stars by John Green

From The Fault In Our Stars by John Green

Augustus Waters (The Fault In Our Stars) fears oblivion, that every people wants to be remembered for something–a legacy, a mark.

All of the people in this blog left me a scar. Some of them are scars that sliced deeply and took too long to heal. Some of them are scars that I am masochistically happy to have. While some of them are scars that I wish I never had.

But scars are inevitable. We will always leave a mark to the people we love even if we try not to.

I am afraid I left a bad scar on some people, but knowing that I left great scars to people comforted that. Unlike Augustus Waters, I don’t fear oblivion, and while it is clear that all of us will go be forgotten 100 years from now, there will always be a certain mark that will be left bearing our memory with it.

Just be sure it’s a good one.

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About Jashrawr

Jolog, adorkable, defying gravity ♥
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