There are a few things in this world that should be left within the confines of your heart. You don’t want to share them because you fear people might start looking at you like you have some contagious disease, and they don’t want to come near you.
I am not a very secretive person. Most of the people I know knows about my family, my whole life, and at times, the guys I’m having a crush on. I am not just an open book, I am the text itself.
Still, words have a lot of meanings behind them. I never thought I would have a string of confessions to make today. Maybe some of you knows about it already, maybe some of you don’t. Either way, I’d like to share it with you.
The SIP Syndrome
I hated SIP ever since third year. Not because it’s a lot of work to do, and not because your whole schedule can get messed up for experimentation and trials. I hate SIP because I don’t see the sense in discovering new things and using unused things to make a significant study. Oftentimes, my frustration comes from this subject.
This year, I’ve acquired the what I call ‘SIP Syndrome’. Every time I’d think about Research, my stomach will twist into knots as if I feel something bad will happen. I get paranoid every time I hear dead lines. Let me rephrase Augustus Water’s line in TFIOS: “I fear Research and SIP. I fear it like a proverbial blind man who’s afraid of the dark.”
I guess I was just never a fan of science. Truth is, despite all the wonders happening in the world, I’m still skeptic at some of its theories and systems.
I Love Calculus
Most of you have probably heard me say, “I hate Math” most of the time, and yes, I do. But I only realized this month that Calculus is an exception. While it is true that I’ve said quite some tears when I can’t solve a certain problem and I can’t remember how to doit, when it comes to Calculus, I always feel challenged. It’s like something possesses me when I am in a particular good mood to decode a string of x’s and y’s.
I am also admitting that, out of all the Math teachers I had since first year, I think Mam Cabungcal is the most effective one. You know, I actually listen to her lessons and understand them. When I did something wrong while solving, I know it’s my problem and not hers. Maybe this is a good start considering I’d be taking up Accountancy next year.
One of the main reasons why I can’t finish most of the stories I’m writing is because I am not creative enough. I am a type of writer who likes writing using my comfortable languages. I am really straightforward, and I don’t like spouting flowery words or comparing teens with grasses or thinking up four strings of adjective to describe the smell of a field.
Sir ROE often tells me that I should get past my boundaries in writing. I tried many times, but I just can’t leave behind my old ways. Thus, this is also the main reason why I suck big time when it comes to poetry writing. I am so straightforward, I can’t even think of a symbolism for love (which is obviously easy since there are so many). Even as I try my best, I suck so hard at it and I feel ashamed if someone happens to read it.
That’s the main reason why I don’t encourage you to open my Lit Attempts!
When it was announced that I am assigned to write the class history, I honestly and admittedly felt down. It’s not that I think highly of myself. It’s just that a lot of people has repeatedly told me that I would write the Prologue or the Epilogue for the yearbook, that when I learned the real thing, it’s a pretty bad bum.
Nevertheless, as I write it, I came to love it. Jessica told me that I should be happy because out of all the parts of the yearbook, it is the most strenuous to do–and it is! GLEE and The Fault In Our Stars were my two inspirations while writing it, so I am pretty satisfied of my piece :)
Ask Aline and she’ll definitely testify and tell you about how many times have I said that I HATE K-POP. I never understood why I don’t enjoy listening to their songs. I mean, I like–scratch that, LOVE–watching Koreanovelas and listening to their theme songs but I still hate Kpop. Well, not until I watched Love Rain and came to love Yoona.
Yoona played two roles in Love Rain: one is a very modest 1970s girl, and a present-time bubbly girl. I adored her style in the Kdrama, also her hair, and the fact that she and Jang Geun Suk (male lead of Love Rain) looks good together. I think she’s one of the prettiest girls I’ve seen in my entire life.
So, when this comeback music of Girls Generation came out in early January, I came to love the whole group as well (though I still don’t know each girl’s names except for Yoona’s). With all the cute dances and catchy tune of the songs, I just couldn’t ask for more!
French Fries Fever (FFF)
KFC is my favorite fast food chain in the world! Every time we’d get our monthly ‘pay day’ from my Dad, I’d always bring my Mum and my brothers to KFC. When my aunt asks me where I want to eat, I’d say KFC without a second thought. She even told me that she became a KFC-addict because of me.
I don’t know, but I just love KFC’s Chicken Fillet Sandwich, Mashed Potato, Alfredo Pasta Bowl. But, the best among the best is their FRENCH FRIES! Once I ordered, I’d ask for an extra plate where I’d pour them all and bathe it with KFC’s finger-lickin’ gravy. Uh, heaven!
Kiss Junkie (Knovela)
I will be a huge hypocrite if I told you I don’t wait for the kissing scenes in the Koreanovelas that I watch. I haven’t seen too many of them because I am choosy and I want it to be worth my pagpupuyat.
When I get really interested in the drama, I’d stay up until dawn to watch most of it or finish it (of course, I only do this during vacation and weekends). Korean kisses are cute and kilig-filled. I don’t have to feel awkward while watching it with my Mom or brothers because you can feel the love. Unlike some Filipino teleseryes where they make it torrid (ugh much).
Something Borrowed is a novel-turned-movie that tells about two best friends since childhood. Darcy is about to get married with Dex who was Rachel’s college love. After Rachel’s thirtieth birthday party, she and Dex went to get a post-drink and there she admitted that she was in love with him back then. So, Dex also admitted that he’s also in love with him. The cheating started, Rachel felt so guilty, but then she wanted to fight for their love. Apparently, Dex was too coward to fight for her. Darcy knew about it, and their friendship blew.
But (spoiler’s alert) , towards the end of the movie, they didn’t fully reconcile. Rachel and Dex ended up together while Darcy is pregnant with a guy she hooked up with while she was still engaged to Dex. Still, you can see that despite all that they’ve been through, they’re best friends no matter what.
Aline and I had a tough year. We’ve been best friends for almost seven years now, and last year was the only time we ever had a HUGE fight. I guess, at some point, I was too overbearing and she was too neglective of our friendship. I did give up on her, and I moved on. But I know in my heart that she will always be my best best best best friend no matter what. Like Rachel, I took some time to find my worth, to feel that for once, I am doing things entirely for my own. I learned to be mature, and now Aline and I were fine.
Gone were my insecurities with her circle of friends. Gone were my too overbearing attitude. She’s my best friend, and will always be. Love you Adormeo! x
Self-centered bitch is the right term. The only thing is my “MEphobia” is not one that aims to become popular and look awesome. I am a kind of girl who likes to do everything in my own. I’d rather write the whole SIP write-ups than have other people jumble my thoughts while I’m at it. If I was also assigned to do my own Research Paper in English, I’d willingly do it, but it’s fine to have a partner–I could never have thought of a better one than Euan.
Anyway, I also have a tendency to just enjoy most of the time myself than spend it with other people. I go to the mall on my own, buy books or occasionally, some clothes. I was so used to doing things my own that I often forget there are other people who needs me to value their worth. So, now, I am trying my best to divide my time for my family, my best friends, and someone special (not in the sort of way you’re thinking about, no!).
I’m still 75% selfish though.
Once Upon a Time…
There was never a time in my life where I’ve had a family picture. There was one I’ve had when I was a little less than five with my Mum, Dad, and Jose Mari, but never a complete one with the whole family. And so to speak, I once hated my Mum for it.
What if she held on a little longer for my father? What if she didn’t return him to my Grandparents while he’s in the hospital? Would my life turned out better than it was today? But I think I really can’t blame her because maybe she held on for too long and she decided it’s time to give up. I don’t know. All I know is, I’m hoping we’ll have a family picture someday… just the five of us.
I am definitely not the “chic” type, no! But in my heart, I am always a girl, and there are times in my life when I just want to get the attention of some boys and maybe break their heart. Haha! Apparently, I am not gorgeous or pretty enough to do that. I am just a simple girl who wears simple clothes and some crooked teeth as if shouting to the world, “I AM NOT ATTRACTIVE!” Everyone would agree I’ve got a–ahem–‘flawless’ legs but they’re too big and my lower extremities are not proportion with the upper ones.
Still, there are times when I just want to dress up or curl my hair to give myself some confidence. I only realized this year that clothes do give you confidence and that you should always choose the ones that will make you feel comfortable. Sometimes people would stare or compliment me whenever I’m not in my ‘usual’ outfits, but hey, stare all the way, I like what I’m wearing!
Boo Elem Days
Elementary was such a painful memory to me that my defense mechanism works up every time it crosses my mind. Especially that time in grade six when I was so insecure with myself that I once thought being like a popular girl will do me good. Not.
I remember very vividly the mean things I did way back then. I learned to say bad words, make papansin to boys, and I even almost had my first boyfriend back then. Luckily, I didn’t otherwise, I’m afraid I’d turn out like some of the classmates I had then that are only thinking about boys.
The only good memories I had with elementary are the teachers I learned to love: Mrs. Yu, Sir Larry, Ma’am Josh, Sir Cada, and of course, Ma’am Pastrana. She was the one who honed my talent in writing and I owe my success in feature writer to her.
Now, gone are the insecure days, I guess I’ve matured a bit.
Maybe he’s one of the reasons, but cutting my hair to such a short length is also a cry for freedom–a freedom that I wanted from my two best friends: Aline and Jaiyo. Like I’ve said before, it was such a tough year for us. Partly because they had more life without me, and partly because I was selfish for attention.
But thanks to my haircut, I am freed. The three of us were in good ties now. And it’s funny that nowadays, when Aline talks about her sleepover with her ‘gang’, I don’t feel jealous anymore. It feels like I’m listening to an old story I’ve heard before. When Jaiyo tells me about him and Patrice, I am really supportive because my hateness towards her are all gone and dissipated.
My life before was full of fear of getting left behind, but when I looked, there are still people who are there for me when one moves forward. The “Joyce” today remains firm on her ground and she just keeps looking for some friends to stop over.
Anti-JS Party + Bitter’s Day
Once upon a Junior Year, a few days after February 10, I am excited to attend Senior Prom again, but why am I ditching it this year? The truth is, I feel kind of bitter when I remember it.
First, during the start of the prom, the music was a pop one and there’s this group of boys who are in a train and moving around so fast. We were in a huge circle and having a kind of showdown when that group interrupted us by going through our circle and they so, RUDELY, knocked me over. I let it pass because I don’t want it to get to me that time, but I still fee; bad about it.
Second, I think it’s not a night for friends to have a fun time, because trust me, I am having more fun with my classmates goofing around in DOST than wearing expensive dresses during prom. Prom, it has occurred to me, is a night for lovers to PDA openly without a few pair of eyes judging them. Sir ROE said we should attend it, but I don’t know, even if I convince myself to join, I can’t bring myself to it. Non je ne regrette rien.
I’d just watch Beautiful Creatures with Jue instead!
Sucker for Love?
Funny how I don’t believe in love but a sucker for it in some ways. Yes, I am sucker for love. I enjoy watching romantic films, saving quotes about love, reading John Green’s novel, gushing on Kim Chiu and Xian Lim or Kathryn Bernardo and Daniel Padilla or Miles Ocampo and Marco Gumabao. Yet, I can’t bring myself to believe love will happen to me.
To me, “I love you” should be said to someone special to you when you decided s/he’s really worth the three words. So many people are rushing to say it that they end up getting maimed in the end. Of course, you’re free of saying it to your friends and to your family, but to a boy friend or girl friend?
For me, Filipinos are so rash when it comes to that. I’ve seen quite a lot of romantic films, most of them American, where the characters think deeply before saying it. They want to be sure that it is true and that it will come from their hearts. So, I think, I will only say this three words to someone special when I decided I am sure of what I’m feeling, and that he’s worth of them.
My Mum often say that I am such a bossy person. Whenever I ask a ‘favor’ from my brothers, I will ask them to do it immediately as if the world revolves around me. Being such a demanding bitch supports my selfishness.
Sometimes it’s crazy how random I am. I want people to treat me the same way I treat them. Alas, like a puppy, no matter how demanding and selfish I am, I am very loyal. I am big in trust. I would dearly hate it when someone I treat nice would say bad things about me especially when their bullshits.
I can also be sweet and very generous when I am in the mood. But when someone really pissed me off, I bite hard. Haha! Though, worry not, I don’t get pissed easily these days, and I love the friends I have in my life right now.
got to believe in ma-G-ic
A lot of you are asking me, “Ano’ng meron sa inyo?” The truth is, I also don’t know. The clear thing is, we’re not together, and he’s not courting me or whatsoever. For the record, he and I are not exactly legal to like each other and you probably know why. I have been keeping my feelings to myself for such a long time because I don’t want to make things complicated.
Though, just this January, I took a leap of faith and that’s where the story started. I like him. I do. I don’t know his real deal with me, but I am happy of this ‘arrangement’ we’re in. We’re friends, and I think we’ll have to stick to that.
All I know is he’s really special to me. He makes me feel good about myself. He makes me smile every day, and makes me kilig with his little “ingat ka” and when he checks where I’m going or who I’m with. I love how he describes me as unpredictable, and that he’s trying to understand my characters.
I have no idea where this is going, and we don’t talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it, either, because I don’t want to break the spell I’m in. There are only seven weeks left, and I know, deep down, that at the end of the day, we’ll choose our career more than this ‘thing’ we’re in. While that’s not happening yet, I want to enjoy every possible day and time I get to have with him.
I have always thought that personal dilemma should not be mixed with school, but of course, you can never dodge that. They will always mix no matter what.
Today, I have said so many things. I have poured all my heart out, and though I don’t understand the situation I’m in or even care about what people will say, I am happy that I have learned a lot in the past seventeen years of my life.
My Mum told me to handle my ‘like-life’. My friends are always supportive and they are there for me. There are times when I would feel sad because I lost a contest or two, but such is life. You can’t decide what would be put in your store. It is crazy how some people think that you could control it, but guess what, life is not a Science Investigatory Project that you can manipulate when you want to.
All I know right now is I am happy of what I have and who I am and where I am.
*Photos from Tumblr and Google Image.