Self-Centered B*tch

There are times when I’m wondering why I don’t like helping people out. Someone will ask me how to do this math stuff, and even though I know how to, I won’t explain it because I think I can never put it into words.

Recently, I had a fight with two of my best friends. I won’t say it’s their fault, but I won’t say it’s mine either. The truth is, we have two wrong sides. Today, I only realized that my fault was being such a huge self-centered bitch.

Ten reasons why:

  1. I always want them to have their full attention on me when I want them to.
  2. I easily get jealous of the people they have fun with.
  3. I want people to reply to me as fast as they can when I text them.
  4. I often think about myself first before I think about my brothers and my family.
  5. I can’t accept the fact that I don’t matter to some people.
  6. I hate it when people don’t pay attention to what I’m saying.
  7. I mostly do school stuff along (i.e., SIP write up and RPW)
  8. I get bummed when a guy I like spends too long a time before replying.
  9. I mostly make sure I get my part before thinking of other people’s part.
  10. I am selfish.

Being self-centered is a bad thing, of course, and I wish I’d be able to get it out of my system. I’m kind of disappointed with myself when I hurt somebody with my bad character. You know, I emo out all alone and when someone approaches me, I’d shut him/her out. I wish I was an extrovert like Meanne.

The thing is, I grew up solving my problems and my family’s problems alone. I seldom ask for pieces of advice. Sadly, when I did ask, no one will care to reply (i.e., Joatham Orig).

I don’t know what’s right any more. One time, I heard that a person should be able to solve his/her own thing. But, why, when it comes to me, people mistake it for something else. I guess it’s just better to admit it: I am a self-centered bitch.

Jashrawr.

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I Miss My Lolo

Yesterday was my Lolo Turing’s birthdate. He’s now in peace with the Lord for ten months, but RSPC reminded me of him.

Back in grade six, we are having a financial crisis. My Dad had only gotten to Qatar and at that time, he doesn’t have a permanent job, so he can’t send us money yet. So, the chances of joining RSPC was low because I don’t have any dime to spend.

Luckily, Lolo was close to a lot of people since he’s a Barangay Leader at that time. He solicited money for me so that I can join the RSPC. But I lost focus at that time because of something I can’t quite remember right now. All I know is that, I failed there and I was disappointed with myself.

My Lolo had helped me earn money, and I didn’t even get a single place :/

Last night, I remembered him, and my emotions took over that I sort of cried. I felt bad because I remembered how sad I was when he died and recounted all the things he did for me and my Mom and my brothers. And I just can’t help but think, “Shit, why am I only thinking about this now?”

Tonight, I feel particularly down because I am afraid of the results tomorrow. I wanted to win this for him. For the last time in my life, even if he’s already gone, I wanted to set things right, and I hope I do.

I know he’s out there guiding me, and I just miss him–even his grumpy attitude. I wish I can remember my Lolo vividly from when he was still not having an alzheimer’s disease. I wish I had been closer to him and helped him when he’s suffering through that.

But of course, those are just wishes, and I can’t turn back time. Still, I wanted to achieve this thing for him. I wish I’ll do. I wish.

Jashrawr

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Unpredictable

Aside from the fact that a lot of girls are really moody, they are awfully unpredictable. It’s part of their nature. The same way that some guys are hard to understand, or some of them are downright jerks at times.

As far back as I can remember, I learned from my Mom that you should never succumb and be under any boy’s rants about you. Well, she didn’t actually say that to me, but based on the stuff she had been through, I also learned the lessons she learned.

Sometimes, I tend to hate my Mom because she’s overbearing when it comes to me and liking a boy. I think she knows I tend to be too soft when I start to like someone. Tonight, I am in the middle of a confusion. Part of me is afraid to understand further because it might lead to two things: one, he might return the feelings and two: I might get friendzoned. Part of me wanted to understand to avoid further confusion, I just can’t focus my mind.

Earlier this evening, I talked to my Bstfrnd, Jaiyo (yes, I tied the threads after some months), and he told me to be cautious about the decisions I’m making. And he’s just right. Maybe I was being too carried away with this thing going on. God, I don’t even know what’s going on.

So tonight, despite the fact that I’m quite groggy with all the events, I decided that maybe I should lay off a little. I deserve understanding, too. I may like him, but that doesn’t mean I’d allow it to get the most part of me. Besides, I tried to talk to him, and he started to have a convo with another girl which made me even more skeptic about ‘us’.

I may be unpredictable, but that’s me. A lot of people managed to adjust to that, I’m wondering why he’s saying he can’t.

If he likes you, he’ll try to understand you. If he can’t do that, then maybe he just doesn’t like you :)))))

Jashrawr.

P. S.

Awarding tomorrow. I’m afraid of the results because I really want to win, but whatever it may be, I still believe in what I’ve written on that paper. After all, the judge said that we should enjoy what we’re doing and not think of the competition.

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Good Luck!

Last night, I really had a bad time for some unexplained reasons. Contest today with Meanne, My Dad called to say Good Luck! I am happy :)

Jashrawr

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The Theorem of Underlying Friendzone Predictability

Obviously, my title is not an original since it’s Colin Singleton’s Eureka in John Green’s book (which I’ve recently finished and loved). As I am writing today, I am in the middle of wondering what friendzone really means and researching a list of topics my good friends, Czam and Cydrick have provided me yesterday which might be the topic for the feature writing tomorrow. Still, I can’t quite focus on it since the ‘friendzone’ tugs my brain really hard.

Anyway, as far as I can remember, Ramon Bautista mentioned in his book (Bakit Di Ka Crush ng Crush Mo?) that ‘friendzone’ is the new basted (insert confusion here of thinking basted should be spelled busted).

As I am reading, I suddenly asked my companions here in RSPC about what that means. All I can remember from what they said is that when you say “I like you” or “I love you” to somebody and s/he didn’t return the affection and instead gave excuses to reject what you in his/her “nice ” way, that means s/he’s not interested in you. Which is true, I guess.

So what’s the problem?

I guess, like Colin Singleton, I want to predict whether the person I like will friendzone me in the end. Hahaha. Okay, so before this gets weirder, I gotta go now because I’m starting to get even more confused.

Tell you more later. Focus on contest first!

May the odds be ever in my (and our) favor,

Jashrawr.

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Book Review: The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

The circus arrives without warning. No announcements precede it. It is simply there, when yesterday it was not.

TheNightCircus

Here’s an overview of the story from Wikipedia.com:

The circus serves a darker purpose beyond entertainment and profit. The magicians Prospero the Enchanter and the enigmatic Mr. A.H— groom their young proteges, Celia and Marco, to proxy their rivalry with the exhibits as a stage. Prospero teaches his daughter to hone her innate talents by holding ever larger and more complex magical workings in her mind. Celia takes her position on the game board as the illusionist who makes true transformations, adding tents and maintaining wondrous aspects from the inside. Mr. A.H— trains his orphan ward with books in the ways of glyphs and sympathetic magic and illusory worlds that exist only in the mind of the beholder. Marco takes a position as majordomo to the producer of the circus; he works from the outside in, connected to the circus but not a part of it. The two beguile the circus goers and each other with nightly wonders, soon falling in love despite being magically bound to a deadly competition with rules neither understands; the magical courtship strains the fate laid out for them and endangers the circus that has touched the lives of so many and cannot survive without the talents of both players.

the-night-circus-jacket-e1306491176869Most of the best stories in this world starts boring. While I was reading the first few pages of the The Night Circus through my phone’s pdf reader, I thought I wasn’t going to finish it. One week has passed and I’m only 20 pages out of 164. Luckily, I read through one boring Christmas day (I figured reading The Night Circus is more challenging than staring off in space), otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten enchanted by this book’s awesomeness.

I was struck at how organized Erin Morgenstern have written the book. You know, it shifts from this year to that year, from this place to that date. There were a lot of–but equally interesting–characters, and she managed to put up an important role in each of them.

The circus, that mysterious circus anchors me to the book. It seems like at every part, I feel that I am in it. I can imagine the tents, the wonders it gives the circus-goers. I mean, I became a reveur  in my own way.

This is indeed a book worth reading. If you’re a fan of adventure, magic, and twists, this is the right book for you. One of the best books of 2012! ♥

“Life takes us to unexpected places sometimes. The future is never set in stone, remember that.”

Jashrawr.

“You think, as you walk away from Le Cirque des Rêves and into the creeping dawn, that you felt more awake within the confines of the circus. You are no longer quite certain which side of the fence is the dream.

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Tired

tired2I never thought accepting all those responsibilities will bring me to a point where I’d be on the brink of giving them all up.

I feel like an intern exhausting myself with those works, and following around bosses who don’t pay me at all. I know, I know, I shouldn’t accept too much work when I can’t manage them, but I do know that I can manage them. I just never thought I’d also accept the works who are supposed to be done by a team, or a group.

I’m not blaming anyone. I just want to write today and express how tired I feel. How under-appreciated I quite feel today. It’s holiday, and yet I’m working my butt off to sleep.

tiredI feel like there’s a ribbon around my neck. It’s fragile, yes, but it wouldn’t break until I choke to death. I don’t know. All I can think about today is I want to have a break even for just a day.

I mean, I spent the whole day of Christmas writing the script of El Fili (and I’m really frustrated because I can’t still finish it!). Yesterday, I got a terrible Research Syndrome attack because I neglected our SIP (I feel really lousy and useless). And today, I remembered that economic editorial and year-end report for Social, and the quiz in English, and I just feel like the world is caving in on me.

MY GOD. Really. I can’t help but blame myself because I wasn’t able to manage my time. Yeah, I chose this, but give me this time of the day, even for just thirty minutes, to blame the choices I made for the exhaustion I’m experiencing right now.

No music, no books, no DVDs can resurface me from this sea of disappointments. I remember one time after Christmas, I wanted so much to watch every DVDs I got, but I can’t since there are still piles to do. And I feel that if I don’t do them, I’m being unfair to everybody.

When will I stop owing all the works without complaint? Hayyy. Under-appreciated, but continues still.

Lines from Coldplay's song: Fix You

Lines from Coldplay’s song: Fix You

I’m currently in need of a wall to lean-to.

I feel really really really really tired.

Jashrawr

 

 

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